Recovery Through Relationship

The challenge

Mark had suffered a series of knockbacks - at work but, more importantly, in his love life, where public shame, money, and violence were all involved. He'd been very badly treated. There were also problems within his family. He was receiving plenty of advice from friends and family but did not feel he could trust the motives of his advisors.

The effect

He says he 'imploded' and couldn't tell anyone how bad it was. So he became a workaholic, even an 'expert', famous in his field, trapped. He was moody, prone to 'breaking down' with strangers and says 'my life had fallen apart'.

Solution

We built a relationship over time. Mark says that our relationship is about 'trust, respect, impartiality'. And that has built over the years. Some of Mark's thinking changed as we worked together, some solidified, and he felt able to question things because there were 'no agendas'. He questioned everything! About his family, his friends, his future plans - and even his own ethics and principles. He returned to some things from the past - for example, he'd always supported Spurs and started going to matches again. And new things came too - he tried fencing, dancing... We worked on his decision-making ('formal NLP' he calls it). Getting a dog was one of those important decisions. Walking and loving Koda opened Mark up to 'living my life'- as well as getting out in nature and meeting people. Mark: 'I hadn't noticed how many shades of blue and green there were'. Making his home cosy, warm and welcoming also made a big difference. Then there were lots of dates with women! Painful at first, but increasingly interesting and valuable. Learning more about what he did not want, facing that sense of 'impossible' about what he did want. (He was pretty specific!)

Result

It was the reflective personal insight about how the world worked, and how he was within that world, that made all the difference to his healing. His aspirations have changed. He is less of a 'celebrity expert' and more of himself. Mark married Kate. I was delighted to be there to witness their joy. The photos attached are from the wedding. Mark says this is 'the beginning' rather than the end of our work together. And yes, there have been difficulties - related to his health, expectations and decisions - since the wedding. However, Mark says he feels resilient, 'more himself', capable. He's still prone to anxiety but not dominated by it. He'd prefer to be liked, but it's not critical. He has 'a bit more inner belief'. He says, 'Thank you for believing in me'. But what does that mean? Sometimes I think we have to hold a vision for a person who may yearn for something but is tired with yearning. Tired of failure. Just tired. I imagined Mark saying, 'Look after this for me. It does matter. Hold it carefully'. So I did.