Magic Emerges from Silence

So how was school today? I don’t know. Who did you play with? Can’t remember. What did you learn? Nothing. Are you listening to me? ...huh?

What just happened? Here I was, picking up my child, who I haven’t seen all day, excited for her to share all the new things she’s learned, the new friends she’s made and how much she missed me and now how she’s enjoying our bonding over our end-of-the-day chit-chat. 

Instead, I’m left wondering is something wrong in school? Do I need to worry about her friends? Is she not as thrilled to see me as I am to see her?

Trying to think back to my childhood, what I remember thinking of these less-than-inspiring conversations with my mum is more along the lines of: Ugh, I had the teacher ask me about the school material all day. I don’t want to tell you who I played with, what if you don’t like them or what we did, just leave my friends out of this. Yes, I’m listening but I’m waiting for this interrogation to end and I can’t see a safe way out of this, so I’ll pretend that I wasn’t… Oh my, surely that’s not what my child is thinking about our wholesome bonding, is it?...

Fortunately, there’s a way to find out what’s going on! Believe it or not, it involves doing nothing. By “nothing” I only mean to not initiate a conversation, there’s a whole lot of “something” you would actually be doing: walking together, watching changes in their body language, and ensuring that you are ready to respond to the magic that occurs. Your presence with the child – moving with the child, walking at the same pace, in the same direction, towards a shared place – that in itself serves as an anchor, an affirmation for the child that they are held, watched over and cared for. And in this space, the child’s mind runs wild with thoughts, like what they learned in school, who they talked to, and even how they view themselves.

Have you ever noticed clues as to what someone is dreaming about by observing their facial expressions, their movement or even what they say while they’re sleeping? Similarly, as you walk quietly and just observe the child, you are likely to notice some of their thoughts pop out in an action: maybe they’ll be moving their hands as they play out a conversation in their mind; maybe their facial expressions will change as they try to correlate new information that they learned in school with things they already (thought that they) knew. But most significantly, you might find that they will be asking you questions about what they’re thinking and end up inviting you to a conversation on their terms. Those moments, in my experience, are invitations to engage with them about their innermost thoughts and an opportunity to get a glimpse into what matters to them most - their developing relationships, values and beliefs. And that, for me, is magic emerging from silence.

Effectively, in our “doing nothing”, we are allowing magic to happen. Shhhh, let that magic emerge!