Relating to Each Other

One key to a successful relationship is how we relate to one another. In NLP we recognise the Metaprograms people are running; the filters with which they perceive experiences and the world around them. Having an insight in to what Metaprograms someone is filtering through gives us the ability to understanding their map of the world along with how best to build rapport with them. 

ANLP members have been invited to contribute articles focused on relationships. And so, I thought I would write about something that we all have and will form a foundation from which we relate to others, our attachment style.

Humans are social beings, wired to connect with others. We can pick up intuitively whether someone is being open and heart lead, or if they are being guarded, mistrusting or emotionally constrained. As practitioners and coaches these things will impact how well we build and sustain rapport with clients but also in our interpersonal relationships. Our life experiences impact how we relate, along with our personalities, but our attachment style is one of the largest influencers in how we relate to others. 

In the 1950’s John Bowlby proposed Attachment Theory. This theory came from research he conducted with infants and how they responded to their caregivers after a stressful experience using an experiment called The Strange Situation. He surmised that depending on how the primary caregiver had attended and related to the infant from birth, the infant would form a primary way of relating to others. Further work and studies around this research have gone on to give an understanding of the styles that we all use to relate to others and the strategies we use to get our needs met. 

Originally it was suggested that our attachment style stayed with us for the rest of our life. But it has since been found that our styles are plastic and can alter at any stage in our life, especially when in a significant emotional relationship. Whilst often this can be an intimate relationship, it can also be influenced by experiences we have at work, especially if there is a threat to our emotional or physical well-being. Psychological safety has been reported to be an important aspect of a healthy, productive working environment as well as our ability to flourish within in our personal lives. Understanding our own, as well as others, attachment style can help us recognise what the sponsoring motivation is for someone’s behaviour and their model of the world.

As with many traits, there is a spectrum and, in some cases, it may not always be obvious. The more we value a connection, or whether or not we are under stress or threat at the time, will influence how our attachment style shows up at any given time. 

The main ways the attachment styles differ are:

• your expectations of other people and relationships
• your ability to identify and communicate your wishes or needs
• the way you approach and handle conflict
• how you relate to emotions, connection, and intimacy

Recent findings have shown that around half of us have what is deemed a secure attachment and around half of us have had our attachment system influenced in such a way as to leave insecure ways of relating. Once aware of attachment styles, I am sure you will be able to identify traits in people you know. 

The 4 distinct manners in which we relate through our attachment style.

Secure

‘I am okay, you are okay’. Someone feels comfortable expressing themselves with a good sense of self and their values. Able to trust, relate and respond to others easily. Is reliable and consistent, able to be flexible when needs be and to compromise. At ease with intimacy and with commitment.

Anxious Preoccupied

‘I am not okay, you are okay’. Is focused on others needs and wants to please, depends on external validation, is sensitive to rejection or fears exclusion, has trouble stating their boundaries. Can become preoccupied with thoughts, feelings, and relationships. Usually team-players and empathetic.

Dismissive Avoidant

‘I am okay, you are not okay’. Highly values autonomy and independence, strongly states boundaries and inflexible, struggles to make their intentions or needs clear, uncomfortable with emotional intimacy or vulnerability, a need for personal space and privacy. Can be logical and organised.

Fearful Avoidant

‘I am not okay, you are not okay’. Values deep understanding and awareness, hypervigilant and tuned in to others. This style is a mixture of both anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant and so can appear to others to blow hot and cold or flip flop in what they want. Want to appease and avoid conflict. Can be sensitive and intuitive.

Each of these styles is usually born out of how our primary or significant caregiver attuned and responded to us in the early years of our life. Although as mentioned, they can alter later in life too. They are strategies that helped us to gain safety, security and how to soothe ourselves at the time. This is why when we are under stress, we will lean in to one of these styles. 

No style is good or bad, but it is helpful to notice when it is limiting us from what we want. Recognising your own attachment style will help you to gain a deeper understanding of how you relate to others and your relationships. 

Being able to recognise and regulate your emotions, being comfortable with asking for your needs to be met, the strategies you use to gain emotional safety and your expectations of how to connect with others will enhance your awareness, ability to relate with others and your relationships.