Using NLP to Remodel Relationships

In my work as an NLP Professional, I have sometimes been asked if I can help a couple with their relationship. This is an area I am especially interested in. I have found specific things that can transform the relationship from one of conflict into one of real connection, love, and mutual understanding.

Firstly, we have to debunk the cultural myths about relationships. We have to reframe conflict. Conflict is often seen as a sign that the relationship is doomed to fail, it turns out that conflict is the fuel of transformation. Conflict is growth trying to happen!

(We are not suggesting anyone stay in a dangerous or abusive situation, if this is the case then leave asap)

Conflict often indicates that content stored in the unconscious is being touched upon by what our partner is saying or doing. This can trigger old pain from the past that isn’t fully processed, which we then erroneously believe is being caused by our partner.

The majority of the time, our partner is not the cause of our upset feelings, but they are the trigger for it.

Our unconscious mind seeks to heal and integrate the past through our present relationship, a fact we may not like, but is nevertheless true.

What we need is a structured way of communicating with each other, a structure that allows the transformation of conflict into a deep connection. It is here where the NLP technique of mirroring comes in, also called reflective listening.  When we really listen to our partner, we learn to regulate our unconscious impulses, and, give our partner what they really need from us, empathic resonance, this creates rapport at a deep level.

The kind of reflective listening our partner needs and deserves, also has benefits for us the listener. We get to be fully present in the moment  and learn to switch off our own internal movie.(This is because it's not possible to be fully present to our partners experience and run our own internal movie/dialogue at the same time)

Couples begin to stop their "Ah yes but" arguments, when they experience how good it feels to be listened to with respect and curiosity, rather that judgement and negation.

In conclusion, conflict must be reframed as 'growth trying to happen'. Then we need a structure in which to communicate with each other. Reflective listening is one part of that structure.

When couples take it in turns talking and listening, communication improves dramatically.

We need to protect and nurture our relationships; society is built on the quality of them.